When I was 16, I went to a boarding/prep school for one year. One year at a prep school was about one year longer I needed to experience in order to learn I didn’t belong in a prep school. I wasn’t from wealth, nor intelligent, nor sophisticated, nor a deep thinker, or even edgy (not even mildly irritable). In fact, I leaned towards not thinking at all. I existed somewhere between possessing the ability to speak the English language and mild chacteristics of retardation. My gift was unique - the divine ability to get myself into ridiculous situations.
This particular situation took place in the prep school dorm, in the dead of the New England Winter. Each dorm was organized by floors as dormitories tend to. Each floor had about 30-40 boys, along with a Teacher who lived at the end of each hall, to supervise.
Each school night, ‘lights out’ was at 10:00 pm. This meant you had to be inside your dorm room (but didn’t have to be asleep). Unlike the studious, intelligent, and deep-thinking students who were either sleeping to rest their special brains or reading books to nurture them, I could be found in the hallway, goofing around. The dorm hallway was the place to be a goofball. For example, there was the time a student found a poop-laden set of Fruit-of-The-Looms and chased people around. I also recall a spontaneous group-sing-and-dance of this song , led by a kid named Gardy, short for Gardner. While the card-carrying Nerd studied Georges-Louis Le Sage’s views on Kinetic Theory, I watched kids from Darien light their farts on fire. You may scoff but both activities celebrated the study of PHYSICS.
One night, some of the hall dwellers thought it might be awesome to remove the fire extinguisher from its special box on the wall. This fire extinguisher would save lives. For us, it would pass time. All we needed to know that it was red and shiny, and could shoot water (this wasn’t the foamy type extinguisher). One of the older students challenged me to try it out..like to see if it works. This was trivial of course. A low-level challenge, No problem. So, with my index finger, I gently pressed down on the lever. The result was the weakest stream of water possible.
Sad. Even the tiny droplets of water seemed to pity me. Emotionally wounded, I brought my hand down on it with the power of Thor's Hammer.
Had it not been for my special gift (see paragraph one), the story would end here. Obviously, the second push on the Fire Extinguisher resulted in a strong stream of water, capable of bringing down a small adult human. The story should have ended in only a wet ceiling. The tragic flaw was all about positioning.
In addition to having fire extinguishers, each floor had fire alarms. Had I been positioned a foot away from my spot in any direction, the full force of the water spewing from the fire extinguisher would have missed the circuit of the fire ALARM, located on the hall ceiling. In my case it was a direct hit.
The next few moments happened very quickly:
...huge stream of water towards ceiling..
…All Electrical Power out in entire building.
...Everything goes completely black..
..The sound of a Screeching fire alarm screams out…buuureeep buuureeep…
…Emergency lights turn on at the end of the hallway…
…Complete Chaos…
If you’ve ever seen a car chase on TV, you wonder why the criminal tends to flee, even though there are 20 police cars and a helicopter in pursuit along with about 27 witnesses. And he left his wallet at the scene of the crime. I understand. I fled the scene immediately.
As I ran down the hall, time slowed to a crawl. The hall became as long as four football fields. Each step I took felt like 20 seconds. Out of the corner of my vision, I saw heads peeking out of dorm room doors. Some students yelled. Some laughed and pointed. The most troubling image I have is that of The Angry Nerd. I had disturbed the Nerd Cosmos. The Nerd Directive was out of whack. The Upset Nerd Face is something you never want innocent children to see.
Maybe I would just keep running into the mountains and live off the land until the Statute of Limitations on mistakenly activating fire alarms had expired. Or I could change my identity, become a Circus Carnie and develop into an expert at the Art of Tent Assembly. Once I left the building, I decided against it, as I was a bit tired. As I looked around, I saw the whole building empty out in into a field, on a cold night.
The Fire Marshall of the School was out in front with a Walkie Talkie and a badge. He corralled the students to gather by floor to line up and be counted. I walked towards the area where the students from my floor were lined up. I stood next to the students over whispers of ‘you’re dead’ or ‘I know it’s you, #&^$hole.’ I felt a strange feeling on the back of my head. It was the Angry Nerd Glare…or maybe it was an Angry Nerd’s Bad Breath. Regardless, I could no longer line up with any floor. I was an Outlaw… a Dead Man Walking. I was in my own line now.
The reason why I wouldn't grow up to be a career criminal was evident in my next move. I knew I was cooked, so I marched in front of the entire population of the dorm, which was trying to keep warm, and in front of the Fire Marshall I basically shouted:
"I did it! I was me I tells ya!"
The Fire Marshall wasn't the kind of Teacher who understands kids. He basically said "You're dead," just like the kids who yelled at me.
The rest of the story is not very interesting. My punishment was basically to walk around the campus and pick up trash after school, for like three weeks. I did my time, man...paid my dues.
Jump 20 years into the future. Evil Nerds have taken over the world, just like their expressions implied so long ago. We should have seen it coming. I know I did. What's a Lone Wolf Renegade like me to do though.
Nerds may rule the world..But, somewhere out in the quiet night, the Froggy Call of the Awkward Teen can be heard if you listen long enough. If you do, you'll notice that it's not just one. These voices are are legions. They're out there. Planning. Waiting. Being goofy.
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