New Year's Eve

It was foggy this morning so I snapped a cell phone photo.

It's New Year's Eve. Don't Drink and Drive.

French Friends

Censored!

Désolé Vincent. J'aurais pensé de la possibilité de voir les personnes nouvelles. Qui aurait WebFirst à regarder notre blog?

Quoi qu'il en soit, félicitations. Comme je vous l'ai dit auparavant, vous pourriez un jour bientôt éprouver les mêmes sensations je faire lorsque vous imiter mon accent américain. Préparez-vous, Super Leche Cul.

Vous permettra de ne plus se moquer de votre patrie d'adoption et ses habitants. Angry Quand les Français critiquent, vous, attention à l'horizon et une larme se déroulera votre joue, en pensant à Baja Fresh et Sam Adams. Je sais ces choses-là.

Do you know Bill?

Someone thinks Bill Stickers deserve a fair shake:

Dan Fogelberg

I learned that Dan Fogelberg died last week. Dan Fogelberg made some of the cheesiest songs known to Modern History. A million years from now they'll pull his records from a time capsule, start a song and then say (in whatever alien language) "Daaaamn, that's cheesy. No, don't turn it off yet."

I am not sure if Dan Fogelberg was into Dark Magic, but his songs had the strange ability to compel you to sing along.

Take the example below (lyrics included). To this day, if I am driving alone in a car, I belt it out loudly. If you are brave enough to make it through to minute point 2:09, note that I do the horn solo too..all of the horn solo. It's a long horn solo.

The interesting thing is that all of his songs make me want to punch myself in the face. Hard.

So long Dan...

Matt's Philosophy on Eating Meat

First off, I am not a vegetarian,. I like meat. I do have fairly specific laws about eating meat though. I try to hold two strict tenets.

1.) I won't eat smart animals. This specifically refers to Pigs (pork). Some major religions forbid eating pork because the pig is supposed to be a sloven and disgusting animal. I think pigs are great. I liken then them to dogs in that they can be your pals. People have potbelly pigs for pets. Pigs like me so I like them back.

Here's an example of religious thoughts about pigs:

The nature of a pig is a very disgusting one. The pig is naturally lazy and indulgent in sex. It dislikes sun-light and lacks the spirit and will to 'fight'. The older it grows, the lazier it gets. It eats almost anything, be it faeces or anything dirty. It prefers dirty places to clean ones. It eats and sleeps only and hates to move around.

Whatever. If you don't like pigs, fine. I don't like Deer. I'm not on good terms with squirrels and I have a sincere phobia of Frogs (ask Aimee, she'll tell you about it with a laugh). But do I harp on this? No. I don't bother them as long as they don't bother me. Maybe it's because I grew up in a pluralistic society while you, Pig Hater, are a mentally enslaved, Silly Billy.

2.) No eating the Babies. Specifically, this refers to Lamb and Veal. To me, it's just bad Karma. There's a cute little baby born. Then it lives only long enough to taste good for a human. I feel bad for the baby animals that get eaten, so I try not to eat them. I don't mind if others eat them. That's fine, go for it.

As far as Animals I will eat, here are a few:

Chickens: Cluck cluck doh! Sorry buddy, you never grease the wheels by throwing me a smile.

Fish: No facial expressions. Always on the go. I will eat them but seldom. I have a problem with paying too much for fish. They taste good though!

Cows: You win anyway. My stomach cannot digest the Cow so I seldom eat you. You taste darn good though!

Rabbits: Controversial Subject. When I was discussing my Meat Eating habits with a Spaniard once, he asked me if I thought Rabbits were dumb. I said "Of course they are! Dumb Dumb Dumb!" He proceeded to tell me that he has them for pets and that they come when he calls. I felt bad but not bad enough to enjoy a tasty Rabbit two weeks ago. You could say this particular rabbit was Watershipped Downed (google Watership Down). Or maybe French Wine Downed.

So, there you have it.

Interstate 95 in Maryland

As I (Matt) drive a long way to North of Baltimore three times a week via Interstate 95, I amuse myself by observing the behavior of drivers. I think that most drivers are responsible. We don’t notice the responsible drivers though, only the bad ones. I find patterns in these bad drivers. They tend to fall into predictable ‘characters’. Sometimes I feel I am in The Matrix (google it) and the characters tend to repeat themselves in a loop, only with a different color of vehicle or a slight alteration of haircut. Here are a few of them:


The Over-educated Angry Politico. On the back of your car, you have many ten-year old Presidential Campaign Stickers for people I’ve never heard of. I’m sorry that Presidential Candidate Jarvy Kincaid didn’t steal the election from Clinton in 1996. You keep the pedal to the floor as your Geo Storm strains to a top speed of 67 miles per hour in the Passing Lane. FYI: The guy who named the Geo “Storm” did so as a joke. More appropriate names are: The Geo Wind Gust, The Geo Sprinkle, The Geo Puddle or The Geo Babbling Brook.

The New Yorker: Because he is outside of his own state, he feels he must maintain the negative image of New Yorkers maintain by tailgating, weaving and being a general dick. The truth is that he probably lives nowhere near the city and driving on the highway as a “The New Yorker” is the actual highlight of his existence. When he arrives in the driveway of his home, the elation of being a high way j@rk-0ff subsides and the emotional downer begins. He goes from Highway Super Villain to Long Island Pete AKA The Yankee fan that annoys other Yankees fans AKA The Only Uninvited Guy at the Cookout.

The Average and Annoying White Guy: Your age range is 28 to 47. You have the same haircut, always. No matter what car you drive, you are still boring looking. Even if you are 100 yards in front of me or behind me, I can still sense your anger. You’ll never actually be a serial killer, but you have potential.

The Sales Guy in Luxury Sedan: You still think that talking about alcohol is cool yet you are over 33. You think that your expensive clothes mask the toll your unhealthy habits take on your body. You love to cut people off with one hand on the wheel and the other on your cell phone. You sales numbers are high but only because you are overly aggressive. People don’t like dealing with you because being a tool only gets you so far in life, unlike the highest performer on your team.

Joe Dirt (google it) in a Huge Powerful Pickup. All you do is tailgate, even though your truck’s height allows you to see that I cannot go any faster because the Angry Politico guy is in front of me. You consider the Edgy Morning Radio Personality your best friend because he celebrates Le Habitantes Dirtages. When you get drunk you like to sing the Kiss song “Beth” to your girlfriend named Liz. When you finally learn that there is no Washington Redskins memorabilia displayed in my backseat, you swerve over to the slow lane to make a loop around to see if you can get in front of the Libertarian who’s slowing down the passing lane. Twenty minutes later you are still behind me.

The Foreign Guy. You’ve been in the United States for almost two years now. You picked up the English language yet somehow you don’t understand why people give you dirty looks as you change four lanes in .2 seconds. They may not have taught you this back home so let me help: Vehicles are heavy and consist of metal. Humans are made of tissues and bones connected by joints and organs. When a heavy object made of steel quickly comes into contact with a human, the human may get hurt. To prevent this, America has driving laws. You may laugh at driving laws in your country (just like you laugh at a tooth brush and tooth paste), but the people of America think they are kind of important.

This is all I have for now. Thanks guys, for entertaining me on my way up Interstate 95.

The 'Davey Milnick' Effect

David Melnick, found on Google Images

Aimee would say that I have a bad habit. I would say Aimee has a bad habit. The crux of the matter: Aimee will state something to me or ask a question. About 87% of the time, I will not understand her and repeat what I think she said.

Example One:

Aimee: {inaudible words}

Matt responds: Whhhat? Alabaster chickens?

Aimee (loudly, annoyed): Nooooo! After the dinner, Saturday evening! Are you deaf? What’s your problem?

Example Two:

Aimee: {mumbling inaudible words)

Matt responds: Whaaat??? Russian Oranges and little boy blue?

Aimee (loudly, annoyed): Nooo! I’m in a rush, so tell me when you’re through. Do you do this on purpose? Because it’s really annoying.
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Now, you may think that I (Matt) am trying to be a smart a$@. But what about this fun fact: Whenever Aimee wants to tell me something, about 87% of the time she is either in another room or another floor. Of course I don’t understand.

Anyway, the other day, I was speaking with Aimee on the phone. I said the following:

Matt: So, Dave emailed me today.

And Aimee’s response was the following:

“Whaaaaaat? Davey Milnick? Who is Davey Milnick? That sounds like a name from Leave It to Beaver! Daaavey Milnick....”

Thus, The Davey Milnick Effect.


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Look Closely

Sanity Tested

Today we had Direct TV (Satellite Dish) installed. First, Darla (a dog) kept screaming during the three hour long process. Then, I discover the TV installer disabled the phone and Internet so I could not work and that it elongated his visit another couple of hours. I am also visiting the crazy dog (one of two) every five minutes.

Then I hear a whoooosh wooosh..I run down to the basement to see the Satellite Dish Installer standing on a ladder with gallons of hot water shooting at him. I turn off the water for the whole house to see he had completely busted the hot water pipes. I throw him a towel and ask him if he's okay while thinking Son Uv a B#@$%! Bam, we call the Plumber. We had a plumber and the Satellite guy at the house at one time.

Meanwhile the dogs are still being more difficult by the minute. I take them outside to watch them gleefully dance around in the completely muddy backyard while periodically visiting both the Dish Guy and Plumby the Plumber. After about half a Bank Account later, the fellers leave and the dogs are cleaned off with a towel. Not every day can be Ice Cream, Happy Hugs and High Fives. At least we have HDTV via a Satellite...and a brand spanking new PVC plumbing pipe.

Not supposed to snow this much this soon

I (Matt) would not miss it if I didn't see another snowy day. Still nice to look at though..



Aimee Got into the Act.

As did the dogs in the background:



While we are on the subject of Aimee, here is a reminder of her ritual of talking photos of herself EVERY time she gets her hair "did."




Finally, here is a drawing Aimee did. It's Jesus doing some Christmas Shopping at Best Buy. Since Best Buy has the best prices, the title of her work is "Jesus Saves." Notice the frowns on the people in line. That TV he's getting is Nifty though, right? No Flat Screen, Jesus?

First person in the World To Dance

Here's some history: