As I (Matt) drive a long way to North of Baltimore three times a week via Interstate 95, I amuse myself by observing the behavior of drivers. I think that most drivers are responsible. We don’t notice the responsible drivers though, only the bad ones. I find patterns in these bad drivers. They tend to fall into predictable ‘characters’. Sometimes I feel I am in The Matrix (google it) and the characters tend to repeat themselves in a loop, only with a different color of vehicle or a slight alteration of haircut. Here are a few of them:
The Over-educated Angry Politico. On the back of your car, you have many ten-year old Presidential Campaign Stickers for people I’ve never heard of. I’m sorry that Presidential Candidate Jarvy Kincaid didn’t steal the election from Clinton in 1996. You keep the pedal to the floor as your Geo Storm strains to a top speed of 67 miles per hour in the Passing Lane. FYI: The guy who named the Geo “Storm” did so as a joke. More appropriate names are: The Geo Wind Gust, The Geo Sprinkle, The Geo Puddle or The Geo Babbling Brook.
The New Yorker: Because he is outside of his own state, he feels he must maintain the negative image of New Yorkers maintain by tailgating, weaving and being a general dick. The truth is that he probably lives nowhere near the city and driving on the highway as a “The New Yorker” is the actual highlight of his existence. When he arrives in the driveway of his home, the elation of being a high way j@rk-0ff subsides and the emotional downer begins. He goes from Highway Super Villain to Long Island Pete AKA The Yankee fan that annoys other Yankees fans AKA The Only Uninvited Guy at the Cookout.
The Average and Annoying White Guy: Your age range is 28 to 47. You have the same haircut, always. No matter what car you drive, you are still boring looking. Even if you are 100 yards in front of me or behind me, I can still sense your anger. You’ll never actually be a serial killer, but you have potential.
The Sales Guy in Luxury Sedan: You still think that talking about alcohol is cool yet you are over 33. You think that your expensive clothes mask the toll your unhealthy habits take on your body. You love to cut people off with one hand on the wheel and the other on your cell phone. You sales numbers are high but only because you are overly aggressive. People don’t like dealing with you because being a tool only gets you so far in life, unlike the highest performer on your team.
Joe Dirt (google it) in a Huge Powerful Pickup. All you do is tailgate, even though your truck’s height allows you to see that I cannot go any faster because the Angry Politico guy is in front of me. You consider the Edgy Morning Radio Personality your best friend because he celebrates Le Habitantes Dirtages. When you get drunk you like to sing the Kiss song “Beth” to your girlfriend named Liz. When you finally learn that there is no Washington Redskins memorabilia displayed in my backseat, you swerve over to the slow lane to make a loop around to see if you can get in front of the Libertarian who’s slowing down the passing lane. Twenty minutes later you are still behind me.
The Foreign Guy. You’ve been in the United States for almost two years now. You picked up the English language yet somehow you don’t understand why people give you dirty looks as you change four lanes in .2 seconds. They may not have taught you this back home so let me help: Vehicles are heavy and consist of metal. Humans are made of tissues and bones connected by joints and organs. When a heavy object made of steel quickly comes into contact with a human, the human may get hurt. To prevent this, America has driving laws. You may laugh at driving laws in your country (just like you laugh at a tooth brush and tooth paste), but the people of America think they are kind of important.
This is all I have for now. Thanks guys, for entertaining me on my way up Interstate 95.
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